November 2, 2013, I found out I was pregnant with my second baby and the first baby with my husband.
I’ve written about this a few times, but as I get closer to the “anniversary” of the day I found out I was pregnant I needed to write again.
This is the first time in 5 years that I am looking at this experience with new, hopeful eyes.
Usually around this time I get emotional and angry and for the first two years I never knew the cause.
The cause for me was grief. When you have pregnancy loss the grieving process can be so isolating. Some will ignore what happened out of fear of saying the wrong thing. Some will discount the magnitude of the event because it “wasn’t a real baby”…yes…yes I’ve heard all of these.
Then you question your own body… did I do something wrong…can I trust my body not to fail me again.
I felt like pregnancy should be something I should be able to do. I should be able to keep the baby alive…so I spent the first two years dissecting what could or should have happened.
I was blessed to have a double rainbow…meaning I’ve had two viable pregnancies after my loss. The three months I couldn’t try were like a living hell. I wanted to try again but feared the what ifs.
I wish I could have been more positive during both subsequent pregnancies.
Now that I’m on the other side.. I appreciate the lessons I learned from the loss.
1. Pregnancy does not equally a baby, so when you do give birth to a squealing, squirming baby…take that in and cherish it
2. A loss is NOT a personal failure. Sometimes bad things just happen. Blaming yourself, negative self-talk delays healing.
3. Heal how you need to. Some mommas need to share pictures of their lost babies. Some mommas need to write it out, cry it out, therapy it out…whatever it is GET IT OUT. Don’t let the pain isolate you. Especially isolate you from yourself. I actually stuffed my feelings down…this delayed my healing.
Speak your truth. Let it free you.