I am doing so good with my goal of committing to myself. I’ve been exercising and eating well.Yes,I know we are just 7 days into the new year, but that means I only have 51 weeks left to do right! Today is also my baby Lennon’s birthday. My rainbow baby, my baby after a loss. Six years of a promised fulfilled. I remember when I was told I miscarried my first child with my husband only to be informed that it wasn’t miscarried and was instead an ectopic pregnancy. I was so devestated. I had dreamed of so much for a being I just found out even existed. This lead to me having a very difficult time enjoying my pregnancy with Lennon. Outside of the horrendous nausea I had pretty much the entire nine months his pregnancy was typical. But I couldn’t relax.I was too afraid.

I have that same uneasiness in the pit of my stomach as I get closer to my graduation date… like is this real, like I’m about to do what I said I would do a decade ago. I don’t even know who I was a decade ago, truthfully I’m still trying to figure the 34 year old me out. So…am I ready?

I think so, and even if I’m not I better get ready and ready fast. I just read a devotion that spoke about compound grief, meaning we grieve the current situation and the plans and dreams we had that will never be. Compound grief. When life changes suddenly it can be hard to trust, to believe, to hope. After seeing people storm the capitol, seeing the rhetoric being spewed…it is hard to hope. But I know that there is brokeness in this world, it is why I do the work I do. I want to help those people turn brokeness into beauty. The same way Lennon helped restore my hope in God and my body, I want someone else to see light where once darkness only resided.

Happy New Year!!

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